Makai TEN, um, what was that again?
by blzzdfire
Summary: All hell break loose as the Sanzo-ikkou swapped weapons (albeit unwillingly) through some strange twist of fate (ahem ahem). Much weirdness and shouting ahead. You've been warned.
1. What the HELL?

**Note: **Hey there. I'm quite new to the Saiyuki fanfic-dom… is currently trudging through the thirty-something Saiyuki pages in fanfiction.net.  Um… what I want to say is that if this fic resembles another author's piece of work, gomen, gomen, and a thousand times gomen nasai.  It is purely a matter of coincidence.  ^^  Hmmm… I wonder if anyone had even ventured into this measly-excuse-for-a-subject for a fic before… 

**Warning for School-goers: **Fic is highly satuated (okay, not really, just a paragraph or two) with Physics.

Must be all those Physics this morning… urk.

**General Warning: **Truck-loads of silliness, usual curses (not too many though) from our favourite characters, um… whatever.

Please do not sue for any humour gone wrong.

**Makai TEN… ****what was that again?**

**By ****s.C****.******

**PART ONE – Beginning of an ****Apo****calyse**

It started out like any other normal morning.

Jeep rolled along the dusty trail in its cheerful chugging, accompanied none too occasionally by senseless squabbling, some *twack*ing and interspersed curses from the various passengers.

And the morning ended just as peacefully. (aHA! What did ya expect? Action?)

Come noon though, it was a different story altogether.

(Cue: Sniggering fanfic author churning out yet another totally Aimless Plot just for pleasure's sake.  Read: prospective lousy day for Sanzo-ikkou)

Amidst the sweltering heat, the ritual complaints began.

"Aaaaah~~~ help me I'm MELTing~~~ and hungry…*sigh*"

"Shaddup you stupid ape. Not as if you're the only one suffering."

"Apple?? @_@ Did you say apple?? I wan—"

"ARGH! Shut up bakasaru! I'm in no mood to argue now!"

"*wails* but I wanna apple~~ appl—"

**"……U…ru…sei……"**

"……"

"……"

"……did he just say 'sushi'?? Ne, Sanzo, did you say sushi?"

"Not even close, baka—"

"URU**SEN**DAYO!!!"

*PLAT*

"GAAAAH!"

*PLAT*

"DAAH! ….are?"

As dense as the both of them were, Goku's and Goyjo's limited but recent memories permitted them to note that The Paper Fan had never gone "plat" on impact.  Ever.

So they stared.

And Sanzo stared.

Noting the anomalous – terrifying even – silence, Hakkai went against his better judgement to turn and look.   

If memories were now of any reliability at all, the object currently in Sanzo's clutches certainly did not register any recognition in their minds.  Instead of a fan, or for that matter, instead of paper even, the Unidentified Plastic Object was a very solid, rectangular thingy.

It looked like…

"What is this fucking pack of CONDOMS doing in my robes???"

The glazed look on Gojyo's face evolved nefariously into a smirk.

"Geez.  Sanzo-sama.  Don't you even share your fetishes with us?" Gojyo drawled. "And I thought you were such a squea—AAAAAAAH!"

*WHAP* *WHAP* *WHAP*

"Ano… Sanzo, what are these ladies doing on the magazine with so… little clothes?" Goku picked up one of the magazines that Sanzo had fished out and flung at Goyjo in a second attempt at murder. "Eh? This pack of thing has 'Property of Long-Legged, Handsome and Suave Gojyo' written on it…"

"Ahaha, Goyjo, aren't these your things?" Hakkai, who still had his eyes dangerously off the road, stated.

"WHAT? Oh! Hey! Those _are my__ things, monk! What are you doing wi— AAAAAAAAH!"_

***WHACK***

"I gladly return them to you," Sanzo said, indifferent.

"SANZO!  That last magazine you threw was a 400-page, heavy-paper, mint condition special issue!  Itaiii… _"

"Ahaha," Hakkai laughed, his head still turned a 180 degrees away from the windscreen. "Now why in the world are Go—"

**THUD**

"Oops."

"Hakkai keep your friggin' eyes ON THE ROAD!"

"Hey, I didn't know youkais can fly…"

**SCREEEECH**

Unfortunately, Sanzo had been standing in his seat all the while and was highly unstable.  Um, physically unstable.  And because of the physics involved in the Law of Momentum, his inertia carried him all the way over the top of Jeep's windshield.  _And because of this thing called gravity, he had to bite dust._

"_What the hell?_  Why am I undeviatingly, unceremoniously, _always_ flung out of Jeep in FANFICS in this _stupid fashion_???  The next thing I know, either a Female Original Character will hover over me, or a lousy group of youkais will stand some radius away waiting to attack…"

"Ano… Sanzo, who are you muttering to?" Hakkai questioned the grounded priest, who looked royally pissed off and ready to kill.

"Che!" Sanzo spat the dust out of his mouth as he picked himself up. "I don't even know what I'm talking about…"

In actual fact, there was indeed a (lousy) group of youkais hovering around the foursome.  They had, quite literally, run straight into youkais.  Hakuryuu, who knew better than to get involved, flew to the sky in its dragon form and proceeded to land the best seat in the house for viewing the coming spectacle.

Without preamble or whatsoever, the youkais charged.

"Che.  Small fry." Sanzo scoffed as he whipped out his weapon.

"@_@ …with 3 burgers and a coke please!"

"GOKUUU! You're really over-doing it!" Goyjo yelled, as he summoned his shakujou.

This would have made a pretty funny scene, if not for the fact that…

"ARGH! Wha—"

"Huh??"

Due to, again, such a thing called moments (geee… I really apologize ^^;;), Sanzo underestimated the force needed to branish _this weapon, and he was swiftly dragged earthwards, weapon and all._

"SANZO!  What the hell are you doing with my shakujou?!" 

"…how did he manage to keep it in his sleeve pockets?" The very pragmatic Hakkai.

"ARGH!  Goyjo!  I will personally see to it that you are VERY DEAD afterwards!"

_…If Sanzo had my shakujou, what am _**I_ holding?_**

A youkai chose to attack at that moment, and Goyjo habitually swung his weapon around.

A flash of red.  Bits of gold.  And a solid whack on the youkai's skull.

"AAAAAAH!  Why do I have the Nyoibou?" Goyjo stared at the weapon stupidly, then glanced around at the monkey's progress.

Meanwhile, a certain priest had to jump and hop out of a few youkai claws' way, for he was simply… anchored to the ground.

"C'mon… let's do it…" he murmured furiously to the shakujou, which seemed to be quite content with lazing around on the ground.  Well, in truth, Sanzo just cannot lift the metal staff.

1 millimetre… 1 centimetre… *a hop and a jump*… zero displacement off the ground.

"ARGH!  I'm not THIS weak DAMMIT!" Sanzo screamed to no one (dum-di-dum) in particular, as he attempted once more to break his record of raising the weapon 5 cm off ground level.

"…if I find out which idiot (dum-di-dum) did this…" Sanzo hissed as he executed a 10/10 glare in some unfortunate youkai's direction.  And being the very brilliantly sharp-witted person that he was, coupled with survival instincts, he grabbed the crescent end of the shakujou and flung it in an arc towards the nearest youkais.

"…HE WILL DIE A TERRIBLE, MESSY DEATH."

As chains crankled and the swoosh of the crescent blade sliced the air, then flesh, Sanzo discreetly marvelled at how well this baka's weapon could handle even when used… under improvisation.  But he was gonna stay at one freaking place and twirl a chained crescent blade around like a cowboy, since he could not recall the blade.

…he thought he heard the redhead snigger.

He swore he'd kill him after this.

***

In the mean time

"ARRRRRR.  I'm SOOOO hungry!  I can't fight in this state…"

"You have to be alive to be able to stuff food down your throat later, ya know," Goyjo called.

Hakkai, who was vigilant enough to notice the… unusual weapon-swapping, gingerly gathered a ki ball in his hands.  Well, he _tried to._

"Woah." He tried not to look too surprised as the clinical silver Smith and Wesson's formed in his hands.

_BANG._

_BANG BANG BANG._

"Ah…hahaha," Hakkai laughed more out of habit than anything.

"…You're enjoying this, aren't you, Hakkai?" Goyjo managed, as he whacked another hopeless youkai out of commission. "OI!  Saru!  Look out!"

"Fine…" Goku sighed as his stomach matched the growl of the on-coming youkai. "Nyoibou!"

Instead of the trusty staff he had been expecting, a glow materialized in his hands.  A glowy green ball.  A big, tempting, glowy green ball.

"…… …… ……

…… a MELON!!! @_@ Ahaha, a MELON!!!"

"NO! Bakasaru!"

"Goku!"

"Idiot."

*GLOMP*

"He _swallowed _the ki ball!"

"He's gonna blow!"

"… idiot."

So youkais and (one) human alike scrambled for cover.

And waited for the explosion.

*

*

*

_If _there was any explosion to speak of in the first place.

"…Go…Goku?" Hakkai peeked out from behind the bushes.

"Yum yum yummmm! …wahaaa~~ _another_ melon! *glomp*

…oooooo, here's an orange!" Goku cried as a smaller orangey ki ball formed. *glomp* 

"God is helping me today!"

"…… I wouldn't dispute _that_."

"…… since _when_ did gods like to help?  Che."

"…… ahaha, maybe _I should try that sometime."_

***

Since this certain fanfic author dislikes writing fight scenes, and shuns violence even more (oh reeeally?), let's say the battle resumed, went slightly haywire because of the weapons-cockup, but since this batch of youkais were proven… lousy, the Sanzo-ikkou emerged victors.

Albeit victors with a cocktail of mixed reactions, that was.

"Goyjo.  Explain this whole mess this instant." Sanzo, with one of his Dangerous Smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth, said in an undertone, glaring through the fiery translucence of his eyes, and, um, dragging the shakujou behind him.

"Awww, Sanzo-sama, don't be so touchy.  You can see we've all been dragged into this mess!  'Tis definitely not my fault ya know." Then Goyjo stuck his tongue out at the unscathed Goku. "HaHAH!  And your Nyoibou is just a tooooothpick to me…"

"Ero-kappa! –"

"Maa, maa.  We need to find out why this happened," Hakkai intervened, seeing that Sanzo was precariously close to hurling a 600-page #23 Extra Special Edition at the two troublemakers.

Hakuryuu, having enjoyed this special exhibition immensely, swooped down to ground level again and turned into Jeep beside them.

"…now, where do we start? ^^;;" Hakkai was saying.

"Can't we just take back our weapons?  HARAHETTA!  Can we go??" Goku wailed, reaching out to take his Nyoibou from Goyjo.

The sudden… NOISE… stopped him in his tracks.

In fact, he could not reach out to the Nyoibou as he had his hands occupied when they flew automatically to his ears to prevent premature deafness.

**"I TRIED SO HARD AND GOT SO FAAR"**

"Huh?  Linkin Park?" Goyjo shouted over the blast of music as he started looking for the source.

**"BUT IN THE END IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTEEER"**

And the four pairs of eyes rested simultaneously on Jeep.

**"I HAD TO FAAAALL TO LOSE IT AAAAALL"**

"Em, ^^ why is Jeep's radio on at full blast?" Hakkai was inspecting the dashboard area, but even he could not bear to take one of his hands away from his ear to turn down the volume—blindness in one eye was enough thank you very much.

**"BUT IN THE END"**

"…will die a horrible death…" Sanzo grated, barely—or not at all—audible in this ruckus.

**"IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTEERRRRRrrrrr"**

**"………………"**

The earsplitting music stopped just as suddenly as it started.  The foursome lowered their hands cautiously to a curiously buzzing silence.

Hakkai began to inch forward to turn the volume down.

**"YES YES YES IT IS ME THE HIGH AND MIGHTLY GOD WHO WILL CONTROL YOUR DESTINY BWAHAHAHAHA"**

Hakkai nearly fainted.

**"OH YES AND I LIKE LINKIN PARK SO THERE"**

**"JUST FOR MY PERVERSE INTEREST YOU GUYS WILL ENJOY A FEW DAYS/CHAPTERS OF ABSOLUTE WEIRDNESS AHAHAHA" **the radio continued screaming.

"Turn it down!  Somebody!  Turn it DOWN!" Goku and Goyjo shrieked.

Hakkai managed this favour, since he was temporarily deafened anyway.

"OH, AND IT WAS GOOD THAT YOU DIDN'T TRY TO TAKE BACK YOUR STAFF" the voice yelled at the top of its assumed lungs.

"Stop shouting!"

"YOU CAN TRY BUT YOU WON'T SUCCEED MUAHAHAHA" the voice persisted mercilessly.

Then, there was a *zap*, and… well, they just knew it was gone.  For now.

"H..Hakkaiiiiiiii~~~," Goku clambered onto the backseat, howling, "We… let's go now!!!"

"SHUT UP BAKASARU!  MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING!"

Hakkai turned to Goku, smiling.

"Hmmm?  What did you just say? Don't whisper, Goku, it's not good…" 

x_X

-----------

TBC - whenever I see fit (oh dear)

s.C. – By the way, do condoms come in packs? Hell, I dunno, so I just put that in ^^;;

…and yes, this is such a noisy chapter… *ears still ringing*

maybe this chapter doesn't really make sense. *shrugz* oh well.


	2. Demency

**Note: **Some humour elements may not be up to standard (hmm? What standard?) due to personal problems. Also, I blame the school.  Certain schools drain all the inspiration out of you. __ …which is rather shameful to admit to – my having writer's block on a brainless humour fic.

Thanks!!! to all the reviewers. And phoebe: ooh, you got an idea there…

**Disclaimer: **Kazuya Minekura owns all Saiyuki characters.

(It _is_ about time someone wrote a disclaimer proper, without all the side comments and remarks.

Oops.)

**Makai TEN… ****what was that again?**

**By s.C.**

**PART TWO – Continuation of Said Nightmare**

So it was said that it _had started out like any other normal morning._

Sadly, they were now reduced to a bunch of highly irritated people with mismatched weapons, sans one who remained patient, and deaf.  Still, their journey continued, as nobody gave a damn whether Hakkai posed a road hazard or not.  As per normal, the occupants of the backseat were deep in their happy insulting, and those of the front seats were a contrast in decibels, though Sanzo was muttering about how he _knew he hated gods, even self-proclaimed ones, with a vengeance._

_Hn. I knew gods are shameless, but not to… _this _extent._

Just a few moments earlier, Goyjo's attempt at infringing the given orders of **not** to reclaim his rightful weapon failed miserably.

Specifically, it was thwarted by a rather disconcerting "zap" upon contact with the shakujou, accompanied by some not-so-mild flashes of blue.

"Oi," Goku had poked the very singed kappa, and out of the radio, strains of "Rules of the Game" by Jermaine Dupri floated through the air.

_Definitely shameless._

"So, Sanzo. What do you make of this?"  Hakkai glanced briefly at the subject of his question.

"_Keep your eyes on the road,_" Sanzo muttered. "And no, I don't know what this is, but I don't particularly care either – you can tell this joke will run out of steam soon."

Hakkai had returned his gaze on him. He was waiting for an answer. Twitching involuntarily, Sanzo proceeded to convey his opinion again, this time rather dangerously and softly into Hakkai's ear.

"Ah," Hakkai replied as he focused on the dust trail once more, unaware that the menacingly quiet whisper had in fact silenced the bickering at the back.

And so, the journey continued in peace… other than "Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad" mocking over the radio.

* * *

But if one remembers _The Ultimate Guide to Writing Fanfiction __#2, Section 12A-2 correctly, such serenity should never be accessible to characters in circumstances like this; it is quite illegal._

Thus,

"Ah. Looks like there's entertainment up ahead, people," smiled Hakkai.

Incidentally, the entertainment proved to be one lone youkai, who was strangely looking dazed and had a why-am-I-here expression on his face. But then he jerked his head up, as though he heard a voice in his head telling him to run at the on-coming jeep, or go dance with them, or something. Er. So the obedient youkai charged.

"Well, I'll just blast him away with my k… gun," Hakkai announced cheerfully, a green glow materialising in his right hand. The three passengers prayed silently for their own well-being, which was currently in a left hand that was steering a vehicle at 80 kph. This very important hand was all that was preventing Sanzo from reaching over and strangling the driver.

"Hakkai…"  Sanzo gritted his teeth, but stopped short when he noticed Hakkai wielding his weapon like a lance, aiming at the youkai.

"Hakkai! What are you doing with my nyoibou??"  Goku exclaimed at the sight of his weapon in yet another person's hand.

"Well, I'm making sure that youkais get educated on the fatalness of jaywalking; it's very bad for your health," came the casual reply, accompanied by a **_THUD_**, "Gaaaaaah!" and a rather irritating squish under the wheels.

"Erm. I mean, why do you have nyoibou in your possession?" Goku asked, stealing a glance back at the youkai, who had acquired a very unfortunate tire-mark tattoo.

"It just appeared. Whoops, here comes another one. Hold tight."

"Youkais seem to be popping up at will today," observed Gojyo, as another youkai emerged in the distance after the current one was similarly disciplined under Hakkai's education.

Sanzo thought he heard someone cackling from the radio.

* * *

"Hakkai, I didn't know you were so gifted in handling the nyoibou," Goku wondered, as he witnessed Hakkai downing his 27th youkai.

"Teachers use sticks like this as well, you know." Hakkai allowed a smile to creep across his face, as his monocle glinted conveniently in the sunlight.

"… …"

* * *

Jeep finally ground to a halt in front of another semi circle of youkai thugs.

"This is completely demented," Sanzo enunciated slowly, as the semi circle inched closer but still not quite attacking yet – a behaviour wont to happen as far as they were concerned.

"I'm taking a break. Take care of them," Sanzo ordered, as he folded his arms and closed his eyes.

"Wha…?"

"Sanzo, they'll attack you anyway even if you don't go to them," smiled Hakkai.

"Attaaaaaaaack!" Goku leapt out of his seat and commanded habitually, "Nyoibou!"

* * *

"Gojyo, you say my nyoibou is a _toothpick?? Your shakujou is as easy as a __pea!" Goku tittered, as he swung the new-found heavy metal with ease, knocking out several youkais at once._

"…that's a very good analogy, saru." Goyjo could scarcely keep himself from chuckling that a "pea" could actually be referred to as "easy" – like a lady. But in his head, horny gears were creaking in complicated calculation: _if Hakkai has the nyoibou, Goku has the shakujou, and if Sanzo cannot get _his _weapon, then I…_

* * *

Elsewhere, a certain priest sighed as a youkai came charging in his direction.

"I am taking a rest, you idiot," Sanzo muttered as he reached into his sleeves.

He produced a melon.

Let's try that again.

He reached into his sleeves.

He brandished an orange.

"… …"

Sanzo was certainly seething. It was such a spectacular state of simmer that he could not even bring himself to grind out –

"What the HELL?!"

"Em, Goyjo…" Hakkai's eyes widened nervously as he caught sight of the gadget in Goyjo's possession.

"What the hell?! What the HEAVEN!" Goyjo whistled, as he twirled the weapon of Mass Destruction in his hands.

Indeed, Hakkai recognised it as the Weapon of Mass Destruction, Friend and Foe Beware Especially If in Goyjo's Hands (i.e. Model: WMD.FF BEIGH). Also known affectionately by us as **the Smith & Wesson's.**

"Woohoo!" He fired.

The bullet whizzed past Sanzo's ear.

*

*

*

It was as if the Earth stopped spinning. Hell, it probably did, to await in anticipation the grandest explosion since The Big Bang that would occur.

"You—"

"Wow, Sanzo. You're burning." Goku marvelled at the brilliant wall of fire raging around said priest.

"Sanzo, calm down." Hakkai flapped his hands desperately. "Goyjo didn't mean it. I think."

"Gee, thanks Hakkai." Gojyo buried his face in one hand as he peeked at Sanzo between the fingers. "*cough* Sorry sir. I *hmppth* really *kmpth* didn't mean it." Although Goyjo's gaze flickered warily between Sanzo's dangerously shadowed face and twitching hands, he was simply bursting inside just to keep on a straight face at the sight of Sanzo's reaction. The hand didn't exactly provide an adequate cover for his upturning mouth.

"I really didn't *kmmpthffhaha* didn't *pthfffhehe* didn't *jeezcoughkahaha* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

*

*

*

"**_GODDAMIT! _**_It's not deliberate!" Gojyo cried as he tried to run from the hailstorm of melons and oranges hurled at him._

"Sanzo," Hakkai called. "I think you can try a ki-blast."

"HAKKAI YOU EVIL BASTARD!" Goyjo screamed from some corner of the Earth.

"Oh dear. Sanzo, I think that's big enough." Hakkai eyed the elephant-sized pulsating verdant light at Sanzo's hands – and disposal.

"**COCKROACH! YOU WILL _DIE_!"**

*

*

*

When all dust had settled, when any minute trace of the dinosaurs had surely all but vanished, when the sky finally recovered its cheerful azure, and when Earth once again spun on its axis, resuming its usual path around the Sun again…

…Hakkai and Goku dared to survey the extent of destruction.

But just as what many a legend describes in awe, cockroaches live a long life.

* * *

Jeep bounced along the trail, relieved that its owner had one less attribute of a reckless driver.

"Hakkai, you sure you can hear properly now?" Goku poked his head in the front seat area for the umpteenth time.

"Yes he can. Now. Get. Back." Sanzo tried to nudge Goku's inquisitive head back to the rear, albeit unsuccessfully. So he crashed Goku back outstandingly with an indifferent swing of the elbow.

"Ow hurts" Came the weak lament. Then Goku wearily engaged himself in one of the magazines he came to find in his belongings. The true owner of these XXX magazines was, incidentally, out cold at the back.

* * *

"So, Sanzo. What do you make of this?"

Sanzo glanced sidelong at Hakkai.

"CAN YOU STOP ASKING HIM? _I'M_ THE ONE IN CHARGE HERE!"

"No you aren't." Hakkai clicked the radio off.

"Now why didn't we do that in the first place?" yawned Goku, who was in obvious boredom and had resorted to poking Goyjo in various places (!!!).

"I couldn't switch it off then."

"Well then, why are you able to do so now?"

"… …"

* * *

Somewhere in radio-land, an evil chuckle echoed.

-----------

TBC

(What, this chapter's ended?? I think I cringed when I reread the contents.)

Note on (!!!) – Goku did that to seek out Goyjo's weak spots for future advantages. Fighting advantages. Not anything else. ^__^

I might repost this chapter after some/much editing. But then again, *pokes at procrastinating motor neurons* …I don't think so.

Sorry for the delay in this chapter. The third chapter _might_ make up for it.

Any youkai present in this chapter was conveniently forgotten halfway. ^_^


End file.
